Star Wars Episodes : A Battle Royale

This week’s Battle Royale will be between the episodes of Star Wars. Which one is best? Which one is worst? How fast can we all agree that Jar-Jar was the only redeemable thing about the entire series?

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Unfortunately your original poster has now been replaced as he was justifiably struck by lightning.

There are several factors that go into how and why each episode wins or loses and I will give you my reason for one side of it in five points (ie: Why such-and-such episode lost, or why such-and-such episode won, but not both. Eventually all 7 will get their blurb as we go along)

Disagree? I would love to hear your opinions as well. That’s what the comment box down there is for!

This Battle Royale will be fought king of the hill style. That said, enough with the preliminaries, let’s get ready to rumble!

Episode I: The Phantom Menace star_wars_episode_i___the_phantom_menace_by_1darthvader-d6ieq34

vs. Episode II: Attack of the Clonesstar_wars_episode_ii___attack_of_the_clones_by_1darthvader-d6h1rtx

Why Episode II Lost:

1. Anakin Skywalker was a whiny b*$#%.

Anakin whined incessantly throughout the whole movie about how people were holding him back and that he was stronger and better than anyone.  He shouldn’t have been whining, he should have been boiling angry, he should have been, “is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a b*$^h?” angry.  Think of how much better those lines would have been if he had half whispered them through clenched teeth.  “In a lot of ways, I am better than them.”  Not screaming or throwing a tantrum, but litteraly fuming.  Instead he was like, “mom threw away my favorite One Direction T-shirt! I hate that whore!”picture-71-1024x640

2. A love story with characters who have no chemistry.

They were animals and Anakin slaughtered them all like animals… and then Padme hugs him. Really? He didn’t have a single redeemable trait throughout the entire movie but Padme has to say how she loves him, because that is the way the story is written. It’s totally unbelievable. Why would you love him? What is there to love about him? They were trying to go for the loveable cocky dick perhaps, but Anakin will never be Han Solo. He was just an immature jerk.  Both Anakin and Padme were completely wooden characters going through motions that were quite obviously dictated.  It did not feel inevitable.  For the fans, do you remember how inevitable it felt right before Han Solo kissed Leia the first time?  Your whole thought process is, “fight it all you want girlie, you love him.  We all do.  It’s okay.”  In Attack, as soon as Padme says, “I love you,” to Anakin my first reaction, in the theater, was to blurt out loud, “Why??”  There is no answer to that, don’t even try.  If you can’t read all the parts of the following picture, please click here.  It’s a perfect representation of this point.

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3. Obi Wan the bumbling idiot & his more powerful apprentice.

Obi-Wan was played up as a clumsy doofus that can’t hold his own without Anakin around. They get into happy banter about how Anakin has to constantly save Obi Wan’s life.  Why?  As a writer I can tell you what has been told to me a hundred times, don’t dump info like that – PROVE IT.  Prove that Anakin is better, and not by just flying his little ship and jumping off of stuff.  But then when they do try and do it at the end all they succeed in doing is make the defeat of Anakin by Obi Wan in the following episode implausible.  tumblr_lzmtv8kshs1qfkrgao2_1280

Obi Wan also has difficulty fighting Jengo Fett. Why? Because Jengo Fett needed a backstory.   Why? Because too many fan boys decided that Boba Fett was uber cool. So now stupid ass Jengo Fett becomes a HUGE part of the narrative and he has to be super badass. So badass that he can take on a Jedi? No. Shut up. Then he forced Mace Windu off that balcony like he’s the Bounty Hunter version of Doc Holiday. Again, shut up. Does anyone remember how Boba Fett died? He was knocked off Jaba’s shuttle by a half blind Han Solo… who wasn’t even intending to hit him… as Han was shouting his name. Boba Fett looked cool, but he was not some great bounty hunter ninja pirate.

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4. Yoda fighting with a lightsaber.

Yoda is in CG now. Why? So he can have the most unnecessary lightsaber fight of all time. That whole scene was just stupid. At the end he goes back to limping with his walking stick? Really? Horrible. Just, horrible. Yoda should have been similar to a mage in an RPG. His force ability should have been off the chart. If he was going to fight, it should have been a huge magic battle a la Voldemort v. Dumbledore. And let’s not forget the line, “around the survivors, a perimeter create.” Ugh.13738b36a2b3c0d2357548ce647dabfa

5. Destruction of the Jedi mystique.

Then we have the epic Jedi slaughter fest at the hands of an army of droids and oversized wasps with guns. So, all these lives lost to prove, what? That the Jedis are not nearly as powerful as everyone assumed. Fun.star_wars_ii_attack_of_the_clones_meme_by_amagydragon25-d83we39

6. In the end, it’s all Jar-Jar’s fault.

Jar-Jar ends up being the foil that puts the Palpatine in power. Great story telling there, use the stereotype character you made that stands for stupidity to kick off the undoing of the entire republic. That needed to be a bigger moment and involved a plot line grander than, ‘We need someone stupid enough to do this. Jar-Jar!’

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Episode II, you are the weakest link.  Goodbye.


A new Battle Royale! will be published each friday.  Next week I will be pitting Episode I of Star Wars up against Episode III.  The movies will duke it out until we have crowned a king of the mountain.  As always, I appreciate any comments or feedback… especially if you disagree with my point of view.  Let’s hash it out, bro!

Disney Princess Battle Royale: An Opinion Piece

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Welcome to the Disney Princess Battle Royale!  This will be my first opinion piece so your comments are greatly appreciated.  I would love to hear what everyone else thinks as I am sure there will be disagreements. 

This will be a round robin style tournament featuring 10 contestants.  And the contestants are…

Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora, Ariel, Belle, Jasmine, Tiana, Rapunzel, Merida, & Anna. 

There is a reason only these 10 were chosen and I will explain a bit about that at the end.  The quick answer is, some of the exclusions you are probably thinking of were not, in fact, princesses but merely female lead characters in a Disney animation movie.  This is a princess only battle (sorry Elsa). 

Why do this?  Because I love Disney movies.  I am not going to lie.  I am a 36 year old bearded ruffian who likes animated musicals.  So?  That and I got into an argument with my 4 year old daughter last night about who would win in a fight between Cinderella and Belle and I feel that she did not fully appreciate my reasons for why Cindy got her butt kicked.  So I am bringing my keen logic to all of you fine people. 

Enough now with the preliminaries, let the first round begin! 

Round 1:  Rapunzel versus Snow White!  FIGHT! 

This is a no brainer for me.  Rapunzel as a character was cute, funny, and original.  She is a bit of a ding bat, but in a charming way.  She also go in there a bit with her frying pan.  Go Punz.

Snow White?  If you look past even how dumb she is in the movie to the actual book version of this character she is legendarily stupid.  She was told three times by the dwarves NOT TO SPEAK TO ANYONE.  And everyday the dumb butt took some new gift from a shady looking person she didn’t know.  Hello?  Stranger danger?  That, and I hated the old school, “I am going to sit around and brood about wanting a prince,” character.  Ugh.  Goodbye Snowy. 

Rapunzel wins! 

Round 2: Merida versus Aurora

Again, no brainer.  Merida would shoot Aurora in her sleepy face and walk away.  To be fair and explain this like a big boy though, who, developmentally as a character, is Aurora?  She’s a pretty girl who was locked away in the woods that spends her time singing about…. again… wanting a prince to come along.  Then what does she do?  Fall in love with the first boner that shows up.  Then what does she do?  Fall asleep for the remainder of the movie.  She has zero actual substance as a character.

Merida has some drawbacks and they went a bit overboard trying to make her into a not-girl-girl, but I really liked that film.  She never got a prince.  It was nothing about her needing to fall in love.  It was all about her and her mother needing to understand and appreciate each other.  It wasn’t a princess movie in the sense of having a love story.  And there were huge bears in it.  And they had Scottish accents.  Did I mention she also shoots arrows? 

Merida wins! 

Round 3: Belle versus Ariel

I know for a fact I am going to catch hell for this one.  Nevertheless, here we go.

Belle.  She loves books, this, for me, is a clincher in itself.  She has ambitions to do something better with herself than just be pretty, and despite being so pretty she never let herself turn into a ditz.  She could have been one of those girls, you all know them, that live off their good looks, but she didn’t.  She did develop a serious case of Stockholm’s, this is true, and that takes her down a notch.  However, not low enough to lose to….

Ariel.  The poster child for teenage rebellion and foolish idealistic love.  This whole movie should have been titled, “Daddy said no, so I am totally going to do it anyway.”  She went off and met a shady octopus witch, who everyone knows is a bad character – LOOK AT HER FOR CHRISSAKE!  – and makes a deal with her, even though the witchy woman showed her what she does to people who fail in their deals with her.  Really?  All because daddy said no?  Really?  Every time I watch this I want to make my own version where Triton comes up at the end, the part when Ursula has Ariel and Ursula offers to let them swap, and says no.  Ariel has made her decision and he will not allow the entire sea to suffer for his daughter’s immaturity.  How irresponsible was Triton?  Seriously?  All this not to mention that Ariel feel in love with the biggest Disney Douche of all time.   Uhhh, is your name Mildred?  Really, you jacka- –

Belle wins!

Round 4: Jasmine versus Cinderella

This was a tough one. 

Jasmine was a bit whiney for me.  I used to love her the most when I was younger but as I grew older I realised she’s a bit too self-centred.  Luckily for her the main character in the movie is actually Aladdin and the Genie is number two, so her part in the story is drastically reduced.  This also makes it a bit hard to root for her at times.  She’s not bad but she’s not awesome.

Cinderella.  She went through a lot of BS.  If you read the story as well she went through even more than she did in the movie.  Her mother and father both died and she was left in the hands of a bunch a nasty old bitches.  Excuse my language.  She is the poster child for rising above it.  She kept a good head about it throughout as well.  She never got nasty or bitchy, she just dealt with it.  I like the story version of her better because she sends her little helper birds to peck the eyes out of the stupid hags who gave her crap and I am all about vengeance, but that is not the Disney way.

Cinderella wins!

Round 5:  Anna versus Tiana

Okay, so I have to admit that I really didn’t enjoy The Princess and the Frog.  I know why it was made the way it was but for me it felt like Disney making caricatures of African American culture built on stereotypes rather than reality.  I don’t know.  I’ve never spoken with anyone else about it so I don’t know how everyone else feels, but that is not the point.  Tiana for me was a bit boring.  She wanted to be a chef and she had her memories of her dad and all that, but she spends most of the movie being a boring ass frog.  Ribbit.

Anna:  Hello Rapunzel’s clone!  Nice to meet you!  Anna was a shameless attempt to recreate the magic that was Rapunzel.  Her whole demeanour and style screamed Rapunzel.  As such she loses points for being totally unoriginal.  Outside of that she was, as her better version was, cute and sweet and funny at times.  I am uncertain as to why she wasn’t allowed outside when Elsa went all shut in, but that is just how the movie world goes.  She also did that uber stupid Disney move of, “let’s fall in love with the first man who is nice to us… or speaks to us… either is fine. “  Still, as a Rapunzel copy she was bound to be better than the froggy chick.

Anna wins! 

Now for the championship rounds: 

Our winners were:  Rapunzel, Merida, Belle, Cinderella and Anna

The losers bracket is:  Snow White, Aurora, Ariel, Jasmine and Tiana

Losers first:

Snow White versus Aurora

This would be a toss up in my book.  At least Aurora didn’t prove how dumb she was by eating food from strange people.  And there was a dragon in her movie.   Aurora wins!

Ariel versus Jasmine

Teenage angst versus selfish stubbornness:  Jasmine wins!  Sorry, I really don’t like Ariel.  (and that is my wife and my sister’s favourite character… uh oh.) 

Tiana versus Snow White: 

The frog beats the apple munching dumb dumb.  Tiana wins! 

Aurora versus Jasmine

Jasmine had an actual character.  Aurora was a singing, sleeping bimbo.  Jasmine wins!

Tiana versus Ariel:

Okay fishy, you can have this one.  Ariel wins!

Tiana versus Aurora:

Frog.  All day.

So our losers bracket shakes up like this: 

10) Snow White

9) Aurora

8) Tiana

7) Ariel

6) Jasmine

Now for the winners bracket. 

Rapunzel versus Anna:  I did this on purpose.  One is the original version of this character and the other is the copy.  Copy loses.  For the first time in forever, you learn what it feels like to get whooped.  Rapunzel wins!

Merida versus Cinderella:  I am a sucker for girls who kick ass.  Merida wins.  It’s close though.

Belle versus Anna:  Belle is a brainy book lover.  Anna is a pie in the sky dreamer who falls in love with a total douche because, immaturity.  Belle wins

Cinderella versus Anna:  Who has a fairy godmother, a magical pumpkin carriage and keeps her head up no matter what those hating bitches say?  Say it with me now, Cinderella.

Rapunzel versus Belle:  Rapunzel.  All day.  She’s too cute and funny.  She also had by far the best Disney prince.  Belle has a thing for beastiality.  Yuck.

Belle versus Merida:  Again, arrows.  So many arrows.

Cinderella versus Belle:  Brains and books beat out the ‘nuthin’ gonna get me down’ girl.

Rapunzel versus Merida:  Oh, this hurts.  I can’t do it.  I have to though.  Rapunzel.  I can watch that movie over and over again.  She had a good heart and she’s so much fun to watch.  I love Merida too though.  Her accent and the bow and arrow, she’s a great character but Rapunzel was just a bit better.

So the winners bracket shakes out like this:

5) Anna

4) Cinderella

3) Belle

2) Merida

1) Rapunzel

Who got left out and why?  Pocahontas, Mulan, and Elsa (I am sure there are more, these are the ones I can feel complaints coming for.)  Starting at the end, Elsa is the queen.  Not a princess.  It’s different.  The movie is also more centred on Anna (unfortunately).  Mulan, also not a princess.  She may or may not get married to Shang at the end, but he’s just a general.  Not a prince.  Pocahontas.  Oh, the history major in me wants to tell you of all the hate for that film… but I will leave it at, she also was not a princess.   She was the daughter of a chief, sure, but it’s still a stretch to make that into ‘princess’.  It’s a different culture.  Live with it. 

Thank you all for playing.  Tune in next week for our next battle.  Who am I going to throw into the ring next? 

***AMENDMENT***

Upon further reflection I have come to realise that I gave Rapunzel the cup based on the strength of her movie more than the strength of her character alone.  Rapunzel’s movie is better because of Flynn Ryder – aka: The Animated Han Solo.  Merida would be my winner and Belle would be in a toss up with Rapunzel.