Star Wars Episodes : A Battle Royale

This week’s Battle Royale will be between the episodes of Star Wars. Which one is best? Which one is worst? How fast can we all agree that Jar-Jar was the only redeemable thing about the entire series?

c68e5a46199e6917cb955a8163cb859e165ea492bbd5744f9643b9fde1f0eb11

Unfortunately your original poster has now been replaced as he was justifiably struck by lightning.

There are several factors that go into how and why each episode wins or loses and I will give you my reason for one side of it in five points (ie: Why such-and-such episode lost, or why such-and-such episode won, but not both. Eventually all 7 will get their blurb as we go along)

Disagree? I would love to hear your opinions as well. That’s what the comment box down there is for!

This Battle Royale will be fought king of the hill style. That said, enough with the preliminaries, let’s get ready to rumble!

Episode I: The Phantom Menace star_wars_episode_i___the_phantom_menace_by_1darthvader-d6ieq34

vs. Episode II: Attack of the Clonesstar_wars_episode_ii___attack_of_the_clones_by_1darthvader-d6h1rtx

Why Episode II Lost:

1. Anakin Skywalker was a whiny b*$#%.

Anakin whined incessantly throughout the whole movie about how people were holding him back and that he was stronger and better than anyone.  He shouldn’t have been whining, he should have been boiling angry, he should have been, “is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a b*$^h?” angry.  Think of how much better those lines would have been if he had half whispered them through clenched teeth.  “In a lot of ways, I am better than them.”  Not screaming or throwing a tantrum, but litteraly fuming.  Instead he was like, “mom threw away my favorite One Direction T-shirt! I hate that whore!”picture-71-1024x640

2. A love story with characters who have no chemistry.

They were animals and Anakin slaughtered them all like animals… and then Padme hugs him. Really? He didn’t have a single redeemable trait throughout the entire movie but Padme has to say how she loves him, because that is the way the story is written. It’s totally unbelievable. Why would you love him? What is there to love about him? They were trying to go for the loveable cocky dick perhaps, but Anakin will never be Han Solo. He was just an immature jerk.  Both Anakin and Padme were completely wooden characters going through motions that were quite obviously dictated.  It did not feel inevitable.  For the fans, do you remember how inevitable it felt right before Han Solo kissed Leia the first time?  Your whole thought process is, “fight it all you want girlie, you love him.  We all do.  It’s okay.”  In Attack, as soon as Padme says, “I love you,” to Anakin my first reaction, in the theater, was to blurt out loud, “Why??”  There is no answer to that, don’t even try.  If you can’t read all the parts of the following picture, please click here.  It’s a perfect representation of this point.

pqjgunx

3. Obi Wan the bumbling idiot & his more powerful apprentice.

Obi-Wan was played up as a clumsy doofus that can’t hold his own without Anakin around. They get into happy banter about how Anakin has to constantly save Obi Wan’s life.  Why?  As a writer I can tell you what has been told to me a hundred times, don’t dump info like that – PROVE IT.  Prove that Anakin is better, and not by just flying his little ship and jumping off of stuff.  But then when they do try and do it at the end all they succeed in doing is make the defeat of Anakin by Obi Wan in the following episode implausible.  tumblr_lzmtv8kshs1qfkrgao2_1280

Obi Wan also has difficulty fighting Jengo Fett. Why? Because Jengo Fett needed a backstory.   Why? Because too many fan boys decided that Boba Fett was uber cool. So now stupid ass Jengo Fett becomes a HUGE part of the narrative and he has to be super badass. So badass that he can take on a Jedi? No. Shut up. Then he forced Mace Windu off that balcony like he’s the Bounty Hunter version of Doc Holiday. Again, shut up. Does anyone remember how Boba Fett died? He was knocked off Jaba’s shuttle by a half blind Han Solo… who wasn’t even intending to hit him… as Han was shouting his name. Boba Fett looked cool, but he was not some great bounty hunter ninja pirate.

gohk92wtec

4. Yoda fighting with a lightsaber.

Yoda is in CG now. Why? So he can have the most unnecessary lightsaber fight of all time. That whole scene was just stupid. At the end he goes back to limping with his walking stick? Really? Horrible. Just, horrible. Yoda should have been similar to a mage in an RPG. His force ability should have been off the chart. If he was going to fight, it should have been a huge magic battle a la Voldemort v. Dumbledore. And let’s not forget the line, “around the survivors, a perimeter create.” Ugh.13738b36a2b3c0d2357548ce647dabfa

5. Destruction of the Jedi mystique.

Then we have the epic Jedi slaughter fest at the hands of an army of droids and oversized wasps with guns. So, all these lives lost to prove, what? That the Jedis are not nearly as powerful as everyone assumed. Fun.star_wars_ii_attack_of_the_clones_meme_by_amagydragon25-d83we39

6. In the end, it’s all Jar-Jar’s fault.

Jar-Jar ends up being the foil that puts the Palpatine in power. Great story telling there, use the stereotype character you made that stands for stupidity to kick off the undoing of the entire republic. That needed to be a bigger moment and involved a plot line grander than, ‘We need someone stupid enough to do this. Jar-Jar!’

3oq6ef

 

Episode II, you are the weakest link.  Goodbye.


A new Battle Royale! will be published each friday.  Next week I will be pitting Episode I of Star Wars up against Episode III.  The movies will duke it out until we have crowned a king of the mountain.  As always, I appreciate any comments or feedback… especially if you disagree with my point of view.  Let’s hash it out, bro!

4 thoughts on “Star Wars Episodes : A Battle Royale

    • On the one hand… who ARE you? LOL. On the other hand, I’m deeply jealous. Being able to see these for the first time again (well, maybe not I, II, and III) would be amazing.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Man, this was a classic rant from word one. I literally have no comments this time because you know I agree with you 6000%. The only thing I have to say is that I loved that chart highlighting how insignificant any of Waaaaaaaaaaanakin’s attractive behaviors were compared to his creepy, terrifying, or repulsive ones. I literally remember the moment when Padme said “I love you” and we were like,”What?? WHY???!” I dig Natalie but she did NOT sell that performance. Like, at all. Can’t wait to see Episode I vs. Episode III! I think I know which way it’s going to go… =)

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s