Disney Princess Battle Royale: An Opinion Piece

Disney_Princess_lineup_2014-1

Welcome to the Disney Princess Battle Royale!  This will be my first opinion piece so your comments are greatly appreciated.  I would love to hear what everyone else thinks as I am sure there will be disagreements. 

This will be a round robin style tournament featuring 10 contestants.  And the contestants are…

Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora, Ariel, Belle, Jasmine, Tiana, Rapunzel, Merida, & Anna. 

There is a reason only these 10 were chosen and I will explain a bit about that at the end.  The quick answer is, some of the exclusions you are probably thinking of were not, in fact, princesses but merely female lead characters in a Disney animation movie.  This is a princess only battle (sorry Elsa). 

Why do this?  Because I love Disney movies.  I am not going to lie.  I am a 36 year old bearded ruffian who likes animated musicals.  So?  That and I got into an argument with my 4 year old daughter last night about who would win in a fight between Cinderella and Belle and I feel that she did not fully appreciate my reasons for why Cindy got her butt kicked.  So I am bringing my keen logic to all of you fine people. 

Enough now with the preliminaries, let the first round begin! 

Round 1:  Rapunzel versus Snow White!  FIGHT! 

This is a no brainer for me.  Rapunzel as a character was cute, funny, and original.  She is a bit of a ding bat, but in a charming way.  She also go in there a bit with her frying pan.  Go Punz.

Snow White?  If you look past even how dumb she is in the movie to the actual book version of this character she is legendarily stupid.  She was told three times by the dwarves NOT TO SPEAK TO ANYONE.  And everyday the dumb butt took some new gift from a shady looking person she didn’t know.  Hello?  Stranger danger?  That, and I hated the old school, “I am going to sit around and brood about wanting a prince,” character.  Ugh.  Goodbye Snowy. 

Rapunzel wins! 

Round 2: Merida versus Aurora

Again, no brainer.  Merida would shoot Aurora in her sleepy face and walk away.  To be fair and explain this like a big boy though, who, developmentally as a character, is Aurora?  She’s a pretty girl who was locked away in the woods that spends her time singing about…. again… wanting a prince to come along.  Then what does she do?  Fall in love with the first boner that shows up.  Then what does she do?  Fall asleep for the remainder of the movie.  She has zero actual substance as a character.

Merida has some drawbacks and they went a bit overboard trying to make her into a not-girl-girl, but I really liked that film.  She never got a prince.  It was nothing about her needing to fall in love.  It was all about her and her mother needing to understand and appreciate each other.  It wasn’t a princess movie in the sense of having a love story.  And there were huge bears in it.  And they had Scottish accents.  Did I mention she also shoots arrows? 

Merida wins! 

Round 3: Belle versus Ariel

I know for a fact I am going to catch hell for this one.  Nevertheless, here we go.

Belle.  She loves books, this, for me, is a clincher in itself.  She has ambitions to do something better with herself than just be pretty, and despite being so pretty she never let herself turn into a ditz.  She could have been one of those girls, you all know them, that live off their good looks, but she didn’t.  She did develop a serious case of Stockholm’s, this is true, and that takes her down a notch.  However, not low enough to lose to….

Ariel.  The poster child for teenage rebellion and foolish idealistic love.  This whole movie should have been titled, “Daddy said no, so I am totally going to do it anyway.”  She went off and met a shady octopus witch, who everyone knows is a bad character – LOOK AT HER FOR CHRISSAKE!  – and makes a deal with her, even though the witchy woman showed her what she does to people who fail in their deals with her.  Really?  All because daddy said no?  Really?  Every time I watch this I want to make my own version where Triton comes up at the end, the part when Ursula has Ariel and Ursula offers to let them swap, and says no.  Ariel has made her decision and he will not allow the entire sea to suffer for his daughter’s immaturity.  How irresponsible was Triton?  Seriously?  All this not to mention that Ariel feel in love with the biggest Disney Douche of all time.   Uhhh, is your name Mildred?  Really, you jacka- –

Belle wins!

Round 4: Jasmine versus Cinderella

This was a tough one. 

Jasmine was a bit whiney for me.  I used to love her the most when I was younger but as I grew older I realised she’s a bit too self-centred.  Luckily for her the main character in the movie is actually Aladdin and the Genie is number two, so her part in the story is drastically reduced.  This also makes it a bit hard to root for her at times.  She’s not bad but she’s not awesome.

Cinderella.  She went through a lot of BS.  If you read the story as well she went through even more than she did in the movie.  Her mother and father both died and she was left in the hands of a bunch a nasty old bitches.  Excuse my language.  She is the poster child for rising above it.  She kept a good head about it throughout as well.  She never got nasty or bitchy, she just dealt with it.  I like the story version of her better because she sends her little helper birds to peck the eyes out of the stupid hags who gave her crap and I am all about vengeance, but that is not the Disney way.

Cinderella wins!

Round 5:  Anna versus Tiana

Okay, so I have to admit that I really didn’t enjoy The Princess and the Frog.  I know why it was made the way it was but for me it felt like Disney making caricatures of African American culture built on stereotypes rather than reality.  I don’t know.  I’ve never spoken with anyone else about it so I don’t know how everyone else feels, but that is not the point.  Tiana for me was a bit boring.  She wanted to be a chef and she had her memories of her dad and all that, but she spends most of the movie being a boring ass frog.  Ribbit.

Anna:  Hello Rapunzel’s clone!  Nice to meet you!  Anna was a shameless attempt to recreate the magic that was Rapunzel.  Her whole demeanour and style screamed Rapunzel.  As such she loses points for being totally unoriginal.  Outside of that she was, as her better version was, cute and sweet and funny at times.  I am uncertain as to why she wasn’t allowed outside when Elsa went all shut in, but that is just how the movie world goes.  She also did that uber stupid Disney move of, “let’s fall in love with the first man who is nice to us… or speaks to us… either is fine. “  Still, as a Rapunzel copy she was bound to be better than the froggy chick.

Anna wins! 

Now for the championship rounds: 

Our winners were:  Rapunzel, Merida, Belle, Cinderella and Anna

The losers bracket is:  Snow White, Aurora, Ariel, Jasmine and Tiana

Losers first:

Snow White versus Aurora

This would be a toss up in my book.  At least Aurora didn’t prove how dumb she was by eating food from strange people.  And there was a dragon in her movie.   Aurora wins!

Ariel versus Jasmine

Teenage angst versus selfish stubbornness:  Jasmine wins!  Sorry, I really don’t like Ariel.  (and that is my wife and my sister’s favourite character… uh oh.) 

Tiana versus Snow White: 

The frog beats the apple munching dumb dumb.  Tiana wins! 

Aurora versus Jasmine

Jasmine had an actual character.  Aurora was a singing, sleeping bimbo.  Jasmine wins!

Tiana versus Ariel:

Okay fishy, you can have this one.  Ariel wins!

Tiana versus Aurora:

Frog.  All day.

So our losers bracket shakes up like this: 

10) Snow White

9) Aurora

8) Tiana

7) Ariel

6) Jasmine

Now for the winners bracket. 

Rapunzel versus Anna:  I did this on purpose.  One is the original version of this character and the other is the copy.  Copy loses.  For the first time in forever, you learn what it feels like to get whooped.  Rapunzel wins!

Merida versus Cinderella:  I am a sucker for girls who kick ass.  Merida wins.  It’s close though.

Belle versus Anna:  Belle is a brainy book lover.  Anna is a pie in the sky dreamer who falls in love with a total douche because, immaturity.  Belle wins

Cinderella versus Anna:  Who has a fairy godmother, a magical pumpkin carriage and keeps her head up no matter what those hating bitches say?  Say it with me now, Cinderella.

Rapunzel versus Belle:  Rapunzel.  All day.  She’s too cute and funny.  She also had by far the best Disney prince.  Belle has a thing for beastiality.  Yuck.

Belle versus Merida:  Again, arrows.  So many arrows.

Cinderella versus Belle:  Brains and books beat out the ‘nuthin’ gonna get me down’ girl.

Rapunzel versus Merida:  Oh, this hurts.  I can’t do it.  I have to though.  Rapunzel.  I can watch that movie over and over again.  She had a good heart and she’s so much fun to watch.  I love Merida too though.  Her accent and the bow and arrow, she’s a great character but Rapunzel was just a bit better.

So the winners bracket shakes out like this:

5) Anna

4) Cinderella

3) Belle

2) Merida

1) Rapunzel

Who got left out and why?  Pocahontas, Mulan, and Elsa (I am sure there are more, these are the ones I can feel complaints coming for.)  Starting at the end, Elsa is the queen.  Not a princess.  It’s different.  The movie is also more centred on Anna (unfortunately).  Mulan, also not a princess.  She may or may not get married to Shang at the end, but he’s just a general.  Not a prince.  Pocahontas.  Oh, the history major in me wants to tell you of all the hate for that film… but I will leave it at, she also was not a princess.   She was the daughter of a chief, sure, but it’s still a stretch to make that into ‘princess’.  It’s a different culture.  Live with it. 

Thank you all for playing.  Tune in next week for our next battle.  Who am I going to throw into the ring next? 

***AMENDMENT***

Upon further reflection I have come to realise that I gave Rapunzel the cup based on the strength of her movie more than the strength of her character alone.  Rapunzel’s movie is better because of Flynn Ryder – aka: The Animated Han Solo.  Merida would be my winner and Belle would be in a toss up with Rapunzel.

8 thoughts on “Disney Princess Battle Royale: An Opinion Piece

    • I really do love Belle. Looks wise and the fact that she is a reader has made her my personal favorite for a long time. I realised today that in retrospect the reason Rapunzel won was because I like that overall movie the best. That has more to do with Flynn Ryder and his awesomeness than Rapunzel’s likability. So Merida would be my winner in truth with Belle a very close second. I tried to be a bit inflamatory though… it gets more people talking 🙂 That was why I smacked Ariel down. SO many girls I know like Ariel the best. I can’t stand her.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I love that you wrote this. You are too funny! This was super-fun to read and made me laugh aloud. If I had daughters, I would definitely read this with them and make it into a discussion! In the meantime, I will certainly take it every bit as seriously as you did, because this is a very effing serious matter. =)

    I mostly agree with your rankings, I think, but I had a hard time with it all because I wasn’t sure what your methodology was. At first, I thought you were literally proposing a fistfight between them, in which case the only characteristic for judgement would be whatever evidence of physical prowess we have (“arrows… so many arrows” would probably land Merida the win). But you may also have been judging by how much you liked the movie (Rapunzel, for you; either Belle or Elsa for me) or how cute the girl was (I would’ve said Jasmine for you, years ago, but I learned that Poppa’s got a brand-new bag. I prolly still go with Belle) or the overall strength of their character (sounds like that would’ve given Cinderelly the win in your eyes. I’d have to think on that one a little more). Had it been ME, I would’ve given each of the Princesses a numerical score on each of these parameters and then averaged them to see who scored the highest. But I mean… that’s the way a boring methodologist’s mind would do it. Who wants to read that? (NOTE TO SELF: write that blog post immediately).

    I had a hard time with Snow White vs. Aurora. My first instinct was to say that hey, at least Snow White was conscious for 90% of the movie. There’s no way Aurora is the protagonist in her own film – it’s badass, sword-wielding, dragon-slaying Prince Philip all the way. But then I decided that being unconscious wasn’t really Aurora’s choice or fault, whereas (as you pointed out) the apple-munching dumb dumb is an quite active participant in her own stupid demise.
    Rapunzel vs. Belle you brushed off to easily for my liking. Belle has always been a favorite and Rapunzel, while spunky and cute, doesn’t garner that win for me – though, to be fair, that’s probably because I’ve only seen her movie once vs. the 1000 times I’ve watched B&theB. Again, to be methodologically sound, one would have to have watched all the movies the same amount of times… impossible, mind you, but you see how it biases someone. Maybe I just have to go watch Rapunzel a few more times!

    The one thing I agree with you 100% on is Ariel. You ruined the Little Mermaid for me ages ago and I never looked back. Overall, I forgive Ariel for doing stupid teenage things – no one is innocent of some idiocy! – but as you say, her idiocy takes the cake. She totally disobeys Dad just to be a rebel, puts her fricking SOUL on the line to someone known to be an evil cheating witch, puts her entire kingdom in jeopardy as well as her and her Dad’s life, and all for a guy she knows diddly-squat about who can’t even get it right when he sees her. I’m not mean enough to wish her the REAL Hans Christian Andersen ending (death by seafoam!) but yeah. I’m over the redhead.

    I totally understand why you left out Poke my Honkers, Elsa, and Mulan. But I would be interesting in hearing how they might upset your rankings (if at all) had you included them. For example, Pokey was a monumentally historically inaccurate portrayal and the movie was only okay… but I swear they drew her from a Victoria’s Secret catalog. Had she been entered, she would’ve edged Belle out for cutest in my books. As to fierce independence, I’d probably end up giving Mulan big points – she went undercover on pain of death to protect her family and kicked serious Hun ass (AND had her own tiny dragon). Elsa was basically an ice sorceress. For battle prowess, I think she could’ve taken down the entire Disney Princess crew together on her own. I also think I liked Frozen a lot more than you did, in general. Sure, Anna fell instantly for a dirtbag; however, in her defense: a) he quite literally tricked her into it, b) she was desperate for some warmth and attention since she’d spent the last decade trying to love her only family member through a doorknob with no success, and c) she actually grew a lot by the end of the movie. I will always love Frozen for teaching kids the lesson that “True Love” can come from your family and doesn’t have to come from a stupid prince (plus, Kristoff was almost as cool as Flynn).

    Finally (ignoring animal characters, which is probably wise), you left out Megara and Esmeralda. Which was fine because the former was a frail, emotionally-stunted half-villain and the latter existed in the most boring, peculiar movie ever, and neither may have actually been Princesses. But in case you forgot they existed, I figured I’d note it.

    Are you sorry you asked now? Well, that was fun! Do we get a battle between generically heroic Disney PRINCES next? I don’t even know that I can tell the difference between 80% of them! But I look forward to whatever you come up with next!

    Liked by 2 people

    • The metric was a combination of cuteness, character likability, and strength of actual character development. I realise though after writing it, if you read the amendment at the bottom, that a couple of them were assisted by my love of their overall movie, and not them. Jasmine could have faired better for this but I kept her more subjective. Rapunzel benefited from having Flynn Ryder. On battle prowess alone Merida takes it. All day.

      Snow White v. Aurora is a toss up in my book. They were both lame and stupid. They fell for the first dupe that showed up and spent the majority of the time cleaning/brooding over wanting a man. They can share #10.

      I think the problem is I JUST watched Beauty and the Beast and all the silly impossibilities of the plot made me angry. The characters said they had been under the spell for nearly 10 years, yes? The flower blooms until the prince is 21, yes? So he was cursed when he was 11???? What the hell kind of evil witch curses an 11 year old? Then Belle literally falls in love with the Beast in one day. Maurice left, told everyone about the beast, got chucked, then stomps out to go find her. Le Feu is sitting in front of the house waiting for them to come back. This is one or two days at the most. They could have drug that narrative out just a little and made it seem like it took her longer to fall for big and fuzzy.

      All that said, Belle is much cuter looks wise than Rapunzel. You know I don’t like blondes. But Rapunzel makes me laugh. For me, it’s like the battle between Buttercup and Bubbles from Powerpuff Girls. I love Buttercup because she is strong and tough and she loves to punch stuff. But the character I really watch that show for is Bubbles. She is the one that makes me laugh all the time. Rapunzel has the goofy charm and she got a lot of points for that. However, in retrospect, I would never take a Rapunzel donned item over a Belle donned item. I love Belle. She is my imaginary Disney wife. I would marry that girl in a heartbeat. So, you have made your case well. Belle should have beaten Rapunzel, making her number 2 and Punz number 3.

      Ariel totally should have been bubbles. The fade out of the movie should have then read, “Rebellion does not make you a strong girl. It makes you a stupid one. Do you want to be a stupid girl?”

      PS – with our fishy friend, I ask you this. When Ariel agreed to the contract with Ursula what did she have to do? Sign it. In English. So she can write. How bout writing old princy douche a note explaining why she can’t talk? Oh, right, because she’s as dumb as he is.

      Poke would have been down below the bottom. She would have been 10. The problem is her character is drawn way over the top, their attempts at making her all hippy and nature loving – while that has some basis in Native American culture – was lame, and the real life person died of syphilis from her rescuer….s other companion because John Smith is not the guy she married. I am not Chinese and I don’t know the whole history of Hua Mulan so I can forgive that movie. Poke I know, very well, and the rape of that history just to make a big tittied crooner who like to sing about painting with wind made me furious. She would have been number 20 out 10. I would have put one of the Perdy before her.

      Mulan would have put up a huge fight and likely ended up in the top 3. She would beat out Rapunzel I think and it would be hard for me to place her between Merida and Belle. Belle is still cuter and I like Merida’s badassery more. Mulan was tough and her movie was really good in my opinion but I like Scottish culture and bows and arrows more than Chinese culture and weird dragon shaped cannons. So Mulan would have been 3rd with Punz now relegated to 4th and Belle 2nd.

      Frozen. I could write an entire diatribe about why I didn’t love that movie and I will try and keep it short. 1) Anna is a shameless ripoff of Rapunzel. Actually most of Frozen is an attempt to recreate what worked in Tangled. Kristoff wishes he was Flynn Ryder but, I’m sorry, he’s not even close. Flynn Ryder’s sarcasm and wit is second to none. The original can never be bested by a copy. Sven wishes he was Maximus. Again, the Rapunzel version was better because it was original. Olaf is an annoying ass. At least Rapunzel’s random sidekick was a chameleon that didn’t talk. Pasquale didn’t annoy me so he wins.

      But with Frozen itself, again, it’s like the Ariel thing for me. Elsa was supposed to be the bad guy. The decided AFTER they had written “Let it Go” that they wanted her to be a good guy and tried to rework the story to fit it… badly. So you’re telling me that a woman, who has been shut off from a sister who electively refused to interact with her (I’m not saying she didn’t have a reason, but Anna never knew this) for the MAJORITY of their lives would throw themselves in front of a sword for this person? Anna and Elsa had no REAL relationship. They just slapped together and said, Anna loves Elsa because sister.

      That is what that whole movie should have been about, Anna and Elsa’s relationship. Kristoff should not have been in it. They didn’t need him or Sven. They still had the mock ups and crap they had made for them though from BEFORE Elsa was a ‘good’ character so they kept him and forced it all together. Do you know the Hans Christian Anderson story? The whole thing was supposed to be just about the love between Kristoff and Anna and Elsa was supposed to have gotten in the way. Anna and Kristoff were supposed to be childhood friends that loved each other from the time they were little and then the ice queen came in and froze Kristoff’s heart. (At least, that would have been the way to piece it together from the original story) and they flipped the script. Now it’s a big stupid mess with a an unnecessary love story mixed in and an insufficient development of the relationship between the two characters that are supposed to love each other.

      Anna loving Elsa is not more intelligent than Padme loving Anakin. That’s how weakly that story was developed. Watch it again and think about it. Anna would not have kept loving Elsa. She would have started hating her. After she refused to let her marry the man she wanted she would not have given a flying crap about her magic. She would have joined the crowd of people saying, “let’s kill the witch!” This is what happens when you emotionally neglect people for their entire life.

      So, yeah, I don’t like Frozen.

      Esmerelda can go keep Poke company at the bottom of the barrel. That movie blows. As for Meg, I forgot to give her honourable mention with the others. She would have been bottom tier as well, probably near Jasmine and Anna. She was angsty and whiney but she was also funny. That would have gotten her some points.

      For the next one I was thinking of battling out the Star Wars episodes to see which one was worst (we all know which one is best.) Look forward to it please!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This is so cool! I’ll probably do something like this with Lord of the Rings characters. And yes, I would’ve picked Belle, Merida, or Rapunzel as well. I think pretty much all the rest are one-dimensional and fell in love with a pretty face rather than personality.

    Liked by 1 person

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